I found it – my dream car. It’s not a Ferrari, not a Porsche, and not a Beemer.

It’s an Austin-Healey 3000 Mark III. Built in the mid to late 60’s in England, the Mark III is a slick-looking convertible with six cylinders and that classic British design: long hood, front wheels pushed close to the corners, sloping rear end, and smooth lines. I first saw a Mark III while visiting friends in California. We took a day trip to San Francisco and a white Mark III was parked near the Haight-Ashbury area. I made a mental note of the make and model of the car and finally went poking around the net for some information. Turns out that these things cost from 15K-40K, so I don’t think I’ll be driving one of them for a while. But one of these days…

I found a great quote on ross mayfield's blog.

"Computers are useless, they can only give you answers"
-- Pablo Picasso

Passover is quickly approaching and I will soon assume an Atkins-friendly diet. Why? Because I’ll do almost anything to avoid eating that stupid cracker shit, even if it means cutting carbs out of my diet entirely. If I had the choice, I think I’d rather fast for a week than force myself to eat matzah. Ugh. Not that I’m complaining, of course - that would be insulting to my ancestors who spent 40 years wandering the Egyptian desert with nothing to eat except unsalted Saltines.

Man, that would suck.

Alison got me thinking about eating at restaurants and, specifically, the specials. I’ve always been impressed with how waitstaffers have to memorize new specials every day or week. Some restaurants make them more complex than the standard menu items. A Turkish restaurant I went to in Houston had four specials, and it took the waiter about five minutes of uninterrupted speaking to get through them all.

I wonder what percentage of restaurant-goers actually listen to and order a special. It seems that people usually zone out and go straight to the menu not having heard what any of the specials were because they are, on average, more expensive than the menu items.

I’m proud to say I don’t ignore the waitstaffer as they recite the specials. I’m also proud to say I say “thank you” for every beverage refill (see Alison’s post). But I’m not exactly proud to say I’ve left my phone number with a few too many waitresses... and have yet to get a call-back. I'm sure my phone number looks a lot more interetsing than the other three dozen they get in the course of a shift...

I’ve been making progress on Franken’s book. Though it’s not slow reading by any means, I’ve been having trouble finding the time to sit down and focus on it. I got a couple tires put on my car today and, while waiting, took the opportunity to knock out a few chapters. One passage in particular really got me.

Most politicians stretch the truth here and there - especially in the name of winning an election. This should be no surprise. But Franken cites one particular stretch spoken by our Commander in Chief that takes the cake. I quote from page 292-293 of Lies (and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them):

Here’s the joke. This is from a June 7, 2002, speech in Iowa. But he’s told it on at least thirteen different occasions.

I remember campaigning in Chicago and one of the reporters said, “Would you ever deficit spend?” I said, “Only – only – in times of war, in times of economic insecurity as a result of a recession, or in times of national emergency.” Never did I dream we’d have a trifecta.

[insert some text explaining how the joke got laughs in several states]

To me the joke is not as funny as the fact that it’s based on a lie. He never said he’d allow a deficit, “only in times of war, in times of economic insecurity as a result of a recession, or in times of national emergency.” He’d never said anything remotely like it during the campaign.

The kicker here is Franken’s footnote to Rove’s comment to Fleischer. It reads:

Funnily enough, one candidate had said something about a war, or a recession, or a national emergency being an acceptable reason for running a deficit. It wasn’t Bush, though. Or Nader. It was Al Gore, who said at the Economic Club of Detroit on May 8, 1998: “Barring an economic reversal, a national emergency, or a foreign crisis, we should balance the budget this year, next year, and every year.”

Can we do some kind of LexisNexis search for all instances of this statement and any variation of it?

I finished the Frankenbook and I have a few brief comments:

1. Conservatives probably won’t like it. Liberals probably will.
2. It’s pretty damn funny (if you’re liberal).
3. It has a lot of statistics. Franken admits to being a statistic freak.
4. I wanted to see where each of these stats came from; alas, there were a few un-cited stats. He busts the balls of various Conservative writers and commentators for dishonestly using bullshit stats but fails to cite some things himself. That’s not so funny.
5. He quotes a particularly graphic, awkward, and poorly written excerpt Bill O’Reilly’s little known novel “Those Who Trespass.” I won’t even give it the honor of an Amazon link. He then compares the excerpt (and entire novel) to a Ludacris album. That was really funny.
6. He and an assistant researcher mock Bob Jones University, an unaccredited religious institution. That’s pretty mean and it puts him on a level tantamount to his right-wing counterparts…but it was also really, really funny.
7. He hassled Alan Colmes at a benefit dinner about why Colmes doesn’t stand up for himself and the Democrats on the Fox New Channel’s “Hannity and Colmes” show. That wasn’t funny. Leave the poor sap alone.
8. A fellow FNCer took notice of the conversation and got in Franken’s face. Franken responded with equal zeal. As the tension came to a peak, a drunk FNCer waddled up and asked for a picture. Franken spun the angry FNCer around, put an arm around his shoulders, and said, “Smile.” That was funny - and classic.

I’ve had two office pranks backfire on me. One was in the response to the other. Here are the scenarios:

1. I’m at work all day Saturday and part of Sunday and starting to go batty. Cabin fever and whatnot. So I swap all the desk nameplates of the people on my team except for the boss’ and mine. I thought it was a harmless prank, and funny. In a weird IT geek kind of way. In retaliation, a teammate that always arrives before me hides everything on and in my desk in some adjacent file cabinets, leaving only the PC, monitor, keyboard, and mouse (all unplugged). All papers, desk supplies, notepads, etc. are gone. It’s like my first day. Or last day. I get to work Monday morning and freak out. Nothing works and all my stuff is gone.

2. In retaliation, I steal his mouseball. He gets to his computer and likely taps the mouse to get out of the screensaver. Nothing happens. I return to my cube later on, tap my mouse, and nothing happens. He stole my mouse ball. He gives it back. I return his mouse ball by tossing it over to him. It rolls away into oblivion. He invades a teammate’s cube who had nothing to do with any of this and takes his mouse ball. I feel bad. I find an abandoned computer (probably someone who recently left the company) and swipe the mouse ball. Prank over.

I’ve had two office pranks backfire on me. Maybe I’ll eventually learn how to pull off a successful prank.

A particularly attractive woman in her late 20s sits two aisles from me and some teammates (also in their late 20s/ealy 30s). I don’t have a clear view of her from my cube but they do. As such, they take advantage of their strategic location and scope her out as much as possible. It’s really quite sad but I can’t blame them – I’d probably do the same given I had their prime geographic placement. The kicker here is that they’ve been caught staring and have revised their scoping approach accordingly.

She has apparently stolen quick glances of them and discovered their unprofessional behavior while they were fixated on her. To counteract said discovery, they ignore her until their peripheral vision tells them she glanced and then resume reconnaissance.

I, however, am no less guilty than they. I stop by their cubes pretending to discuss work for the sole purpose of checking up on their (her?) progress.

My only claim to innocence is that I actually went up to her and introduced myself… for work reasons of course. One of her emails ended up in my inbox and I had some questions for her.

Cube-land seems a lot like junior high all of a sudden. “Hey, did you see what Jenny’s wearing today? [drool]” Being single in Corporate America is about as convoluted as the 8th grade dance scene.

In reference to my last post on interoffice scoping, it turns out she’s not in her late 20’s. Alas, I’m an idiot. Whilst out drinking last night with friends, the story I told you below came up in our conversation. I mentioned something about her age and got more than one guffaw from the group. “No way man, she’s 35 to 40, easy.” “35 plus or minus 2 years.”

So the only natural thing to do was to lay down bets on how old she really is. Fifty-dollar bets. In my inebriated state, I somehow found the balls to volunteer to ask her personally (as if we’re close enough for me to do that. We’re not). The balls I found last night predictably vanished when I got to work today and I did not ask her. I’d like to think that it’s not so much that I lost the balls, but that I gained my senses back.

So it appears all bets are off since no one is willing to ask her. But there’s a Plan B. I’d be happy to tell you about it but it’s top secret. Details to come.

You are Nicholas D. Kristof! You enjoy travelling,going as far as China, Africa, Alaska, and Central America for a good story. You use a lot of quotes and references in your stories. You tackle tough issues like AIDS and religion, which makes you controversial among Christians. You're a good man, Nicholas D. Kristof.

Which New York Times Op-Ed Columnist Are You?

(link via b-may)

recent search queries:

1. orgy
2. orgies
3. ORGIES
4. pictures of a black n tan beer
5. root beer bikes punk
6. Dell laptop won't shut down [I hope this person got their laptop to shut down]
7. carrying in your beer clip song [what?]

Scenario: I leave for the post office to send my friend a birthday present. Upon my arrival, I realize I forgot her address at home. I really don’t feel like driving all the way home for the address. It just so happens I saved the email that contains her address, so (still sitting in my car) I call my dad at work and ask him to log in to my Yahoo! Email to get the address. Success. He gives it to me and I write it down.

I walk into the post office and realize I left the scrap of paper with my friend’s address in the car but that I still have it in my short-term memory. Sweet.

I reach for my wallet to see if I have any cash and stumble upon the unpleasant fact that I don’t have my wallet. Shit. I now have to drive home anyway.

Cost of calling dad for address: Free
Cost of sending friend birthday present via US Priority Mail: $5.05
Cost of getting pulled over without driver’s license: Potentially, a trip to jail.
Knowledge that you’re an absent-minded nitwit: Priceless.

I spent Saturday night and half of Sunday hanging out in Austin with Tarfia and Josh. I finally got to see Alis, who I haven’t seen in a year or so, and I met Josh’s friend Stephanie. We ate at Curra’s (Mexican restaurant on Burnett) and drank their nifty Avocado Margaritas. I know it sounds whack, but it’s actually quite tasty.

Following the spiked Avocado refreshments, we headed to Star Bar for more drinks. This was my first time at Star Bar and I liked it. It has a relaxing and slightly retro ambiance accented by a low ceiling and red vinyl booths. The acoustics were terrible, though - I couldn’t hear a damn thing anybody said. Music was playing on the stereo but I couldn’t make any of it out. Most of what I got was white noise. Regardless, it seemed like a hip establishment for Austin’s retro young professional crowd.

The highlight of the conversation that night dealt with a bunch of frat guys going to Mexico, alcohol, a stage, a donkey, and a woman. I will say no more.

After a night of drinking I watched Requiem for a Dream. BAD IDEA. I’m all fucked up now. As the closing credits rolled at the end and the music kept playing, I scrambled for the remote to make it all go away. Shit, that music. I was about ready to run outside screaming my head off.

PS: David Garza’s website has posted new tour dates. He’ll be at Cactus Café in Austin on 4/28. I will do my best to be there. Any takers?

Office life is turning my brain to mush. Some buddies and I made a wager on hiding a desk lamp. I hid it. They paid me a ridiculous sum of money. Three days later, somebody found it and moved it back. I had to return the ridiculous sum.

It’s times like these that really make it clear how much I work in Office Space. Can’t we come up with anything more original to do? No, stealing fractions of a penny on every transaction is not an option.

For those of you who have lived or live office life, please, speak up. I need something to do in between answering emails. Something that might make people look twice and say, “Uh, what the hell?” Something that will perplex. Dumbfound. Stupify. Discombobulate. We've hidden furniture. Rearranged file cabinets. Trashed cubes. Set computer wallpapers to static screenshots. Stolen mouse balls. We're IT geeks and we're running out of ideas.

So for the three or four of you that end up here, feel free to clue me in on some fun hooligan activities that make office life more tolerable. I will filter out the JEMs and CEMs.

About yesterday’s post, here’s an idea. A longtime employee at my company came up with the following idea to foster goodwill and convince middle management that he gives a shit: battery recycling. The pictures tell the story. I blocked out all names to protect the guilty.

This is the overall setup at his cube.

This is the bucket.

This is the battery meter.

That’s what I call creative bullshitting. I bet he wrote great college papers.

What we have here is a well-balanced and culturally diverse meal. The beer came from Germany. The plastic container contained sushi ten minutes ago. My stomach now contains that sushi. And the beer.

You may be thinking, “Uh, hey man, sushi and beer do not a well-balanced meal make.” To which I reply: the salmon counts as protein, the rice and beer as carbs, and the seaweed, avocado, and ginger root as vegetables. Therein lies the balance. Or at least as balanced as I’m going to get. Extrapolating further, I’d venture to say this is a more balanced meal than most people eat. It’s for damn sure more balanced a meal than my roommate eats. But that’s probably not a fair comparison because steak and a glass of wine are pretty far from balanced.

So all in all, the route to a well-balanced and culturally diverse diet most definitely involves large quantities of sushi and beer. Now that’s some dietetic advice I could follow.

Disclaimer: the blurriness of the image is no way an indicator of the effect the meal had on me.