Finals are over. My first semester of law school has come to a screeching halt and I’m left with piles of laundry that need to be folded/ironed, a car that is aching for a wash, and guitar strings that are on the verge of rusting. So much to do. Where to start? At the bar, of course.

After Monday’s final ended at 9:00 pm, I headed straight to a TexMex restaurant with my classmates and had fajitas and four margaritas. After that, we proceeded to a bar where I took several shots (the recount is still pending) and had a few beers. Everything was fine until I couldn’t stand up anymore, so I sat on a couch and waited for the room to stop spinning. It didn’t. Thankfully, a classmate came to the rescue and drove me home. Once home, I puked my guts out college-freshman style. It was clutch.

I woke up with a hangover from hell that is only fading now (two days later). I guess I can’t party like I used to…the years add up, don’t they? But I still went out last night with my classmates again and shook my arse as well as any skinny white boy can. Word. I did not, however, drink more than half of a beer. Self-preservation is a funny thing…

I’m going to visit some friends in San Antonio over the weekend. With any luck, I’ll repeat the buffoonery of Monday night. Should be fun. We’ll hit all my old favorites and eat lots of breakfast tacos. Man, I miss breakfast tacos. I haven’t had any since I left San Antonio. That’s one thing SA has over Houston – breakfast tacos. Did I mention breakfast tacos enough times in this post? BREAKFAST TACOS RULE.

also, via swandive, this Moscow Times article is full of one-liner gems:

• "The moronization of the people must be stopped."
• "We are the government, after all, and not a philharmonic society." Response: "Good thing you didn't call us a conservatory."
• "...any decline in culture is a reflection of the social hardships of ordinary people."
• "...Soviet-style ideological approaches would no longer work because contemporary youth have new worries of finding work after graduation and wondering whether their parents and grandparents can make it on their salaries and state pensions."
• "Apart from drunkards and bums, people have an understanding about life, and these feelings should be kept in mind."

Almost forgot to mention this… a group of spammers were convicted and a judgment for ONE BILLION DOLLARS was entered against them. This is no Dr. Evil bologna. This is for real. The best part – I knew what the article was talking about when it said:

U.S. District Judge Charles R. Wolle filed the default judgments Friday against three companies under the Federal Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act and the Iowa Ongoing Criminal Conduct Act…

Federal Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act = aka RICO = an act designed in response Jimmy Hoffa and the construction of Las Vegas with illegal Teamster funds. There was a famous mafia movie with a character named Rico, and the Feds liked the name so much they decided to design the name of the Act around it. Hence, RICO. Yes, folks, Feds are geeks too. So what can be considered a RICO offense? Everything, more or less. If a mafia organization can do it, it can fall under RICO. That way, the Feds can get pretty much anyone doing anything under RICO.

Iowa Ongoing Criminal Conduct Act = I have no freaking clue. I go to law school in Texas, man. Probably has something to do with preventing ongoing criminal conduct, maybe?

From Deskchairs on the Titanic:

A Talmudic debate occurred at one point between the schools of Hillel and Shammai. The latter believed that we should light all eight candles and then each day, light one less. Hillel argued for the opposite: light one candle, then two the next night and so on. He won the debate. Chanukah would be a much darker and more deliberate holiday had Shammai won.

I had all kinds of great plans for my winter break. I’d catch up on some reading (see books on right), ride my bikes, hit the gym, go grocery shopping, and start applying for summer jobs. So far, I’ve only done two of those things, and they were half-assed efforts. I’ve only ridden my mountain bike once because it keeps raining and have yet to ride my road bike. I tried going to the gym last week, but ended up straining my neck and am only now starting to work out again. Overall, it’s been a rather lackadaisical winter break (I just really wanted to say lackadaisical).

On the other hand, I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with my sister, brother-in-law, and 18-month-old niece. Sister and her hubby took a two day vacation in Austin, leaving baby Maya with grandpa, grandma, and yours truly. The kid is absolutely terrified of me. I’m apparently a terrifying person. Everyone tells me it’s only because I’m new to her and that I’m taller than anyone else she knows. Thus, when I want to approach her, I must get down on my hands and knees and slowly crawl towards her, but not too close, else she freaks out. The idea is that maybe she’ll get used to me and let me hold her, but as of yet, no dice. She breaks out in a blood-curdling scream strong enough to make anyone feel like the most worthless human being on the face of the planet. Making a baby cry sucks. Making her laugh is the greatest thing in the world.

We almost had a breakthrough yesterday when she gave me one of her stuffed animals to hold. She likes giving people her toys, only to take them back and give them to someone else a second later. It’s an advanced barter system I have yet to decipher. When she gave me the stuffed animal, I looked at it, hugged it, smiled, and gave it back. And she smiled a beautiful smile. I almost melted.

This is just about when you, the reader, let out an exhaustive, “geez, please take me to a another website before I gag myself.”

But since you’ve gotten this far, you might as well keep reading to find out where Maya and I now stand. Whenever I’m around, she looks at me like a science project, like she’s trying to figure me out, like she doesn’t know where to classify me in her various classifications of people (mom, dad, someone I like, someone who looks funny, etc. I’d settle for ‘someone who looks funny’). But at least she doesn’t scream, so I’m happy with that. One day, her parents will tell her, “Maya, that’s your uncle. When you were a baby, you used to scream at him simply for being in the room, but now he’s the guy that’s going to babysit you while daddy and I go out to dinner for the first time in eons.”

I can live with that.

where else on the internet could you possibly read something like:

"Let's all cheer for symmetrical biological imperative."

Obligatory new years post! Have fun and be safe!

ain't this some crazy shit.

Whatwith everyone in the blogocircuit posting Christmas lists, I though I’d chime in with my own personal Hanukkah list. I thought I’d keep things simple, so my list is short:

I want an island.

The best part of my Hanukkah gift is that it’s the gift that gives to everyone (that I invite). The beach will never close. The docks will never close. The open bar will never close. There will always be hot bartenders (did you think it would be a self-serve bar?) So, if someone will pony up the $18.6M, I’ll be on my way to getting the paperwork together.

I had better pick up some Depends because the test tomorrow is going to make me PEE IN MY PANTS. That or break out into a toddler-esque crying fit. It’s undoubtedly my hardest test. The teacher said scoring in the 65-70% range will earn you an A. 65??!! So then, extrapolating backwards, my 40% will earn me a passing score. Sweet. Can’t wait.

update... THE VERDICT: yup, i was right. it was brutal. there were no bladder malfunctions or crying fits, but i almost fell down when i stood up to turn in the test. oh yeah, and i managed to scare the crap out of my friend by telling him he was in the wrong testing room. alas, when i went to the front of the room to pick up my test and sign my name on the list, i noticed my name wasn't on the list. I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM. i made a mad dash for the right room and took the test. first the computer glitch, now this. i think the law school gods are pissed at me.

Not yet, at least. Give me a couple of weeks and I’m sure that will change. The registrar’s office is closed till the 4th, which equates to no grade postings until, like, the 15th. Chances are I’ll keep checking grades anyway cuz, you know, someone might have felt the urge to go into work and post a grade or two. Right?...right?

Based on the majority of my posts, it probably seems like I have a drinking problem. I promise I don’t. I just have a party-like-a-mofo-until-school-starts problem, and I think I’m completely entitled to it. Last night, I met up with a bunch of my law school peeps and had a great time. Once again, some strange shots made their way into the mix (how does that always happen?) We did a round of a coconut-flavored concoction and my buddy Matt was so riled by the taste he demanded an immediate refill of his beer to counteract the coconut-ness. He apparently doesn’t like coconut. Sorry man. But when the shots show up, you gotta take ‘em. Thems the rules.

Oh yeah, and this was the bar we went to, which, by the way, had COMPLETELY OVERPRICED PITCHERS of Coors Light.

Go buy an expensive car. Now. Sell it to your friend for $50 (or whatever). Go back to the dealership and demand they cancel the contract you just signed. You’ll have to pay them the $50, but that’s it. Then, get a job, earn $50, buy the car back from your friend.

Also, make sure you exist in a world where fraud is nonexistent and you don’t need a good credit history to buy an expensive car. It would also be helpful if the entire realm of contract law was limited to what they teach students in their first semester of contract law. Also (last one), I’m not liable for any legal advice given on this site.

That said, I really wish I was a law student before I was 18.

Sometimes, you find yourself studying in a spacious and stale cube with whitewashed walls otherwise known as a study room. You and your buddy inadvertently end up trading mp3s via the wireless network and doing everything you can not to study. Then, you look up at the ceiling during one of your many neck-craning five-minute space-out sessions and notice one of the ceiling panels is made of perforated metal. You can see straight into the air ducts. You wonder what it would be like to jump up into the air ducts and crawl around until you ended up in another room, like they do in the movies. You could surprise some other students in the midst of their mp3 study session, have a good laugh, smile and nod, and head back to your corner of the library.

Sometimes, you could really use a margarita.

There’s just something satisfying about spending an hour working out at the gym and then going to Burger King for a cheeseburger and chicken sandwich. Is it possible to increase strength on a diet of highly processed “meat?” Probably not, but I’m blocking that piece of information from entering my conscience.

Have you noticed how on Christmas, the only things open are movie theaters and Chinese restaurants? Some say it’s because people who run Chinese restaurants don’t observe Christmas and because people who run movie theaters don’t observe their employees’ wishes to let them off work. Or is it honor their wishes. Whatever. Fact of the matter is that while that may be right, the real reason is so that Muslims, Jews, and other people who don’t observe Christmas have something to do.

No, it’s not urban myth. I can vouch for the Jews, at least. Friends have told me they’ve always wondered if what they heard was true – that Jews eat Chinese food and watch movies on Christmas. Yes, it’s true, and it’s mostly because jack else is open and we’re bored to tears sitting at home. So next time someone asks you why movie theaters and Chinese restaurants are open on Christmas, you can answer with confidence. It’s so the 2% of America that doesn’t know what to do with itself on Christmas has something to do.

While we’re on the topic of myths, I might as well dispel one. That whole “8 days of Hanukkah and 8 gifts” story is total BS. I haven’t gotten eight presents since, like, 1987. I seem to remember a skateboard I couldn’t figure out how to use without dislocating several joints and perhaps some legos/construx/transformers type stuff. But there came a day when my parents were like, “What? Eight presents? HA! Here’s some latkes and gelt, now go read a book.”

With that, I’d like to wish all of you out there in internet land a safe and happy holiday, whichever one suits your fancy. And if you feel like hangin’ with a bunch of Hebrews, head to your nearest Chinese restaurant. I’ll bet this website that someone with a last name ending in –stein, -berg, -roth, or –gold will be there.